*"THE BROKEN DOLLHOUSE"*
I realize that those of you that have just met me will immediatly judge. You will wonder why she PUT THIS OUT THERE. It is simple I have overcome the addiction. Although I live with addictive behaviors. Drugs no longer control my being. Will the day come that I pick up or use again. It may. But for know I am happy to say I am clean. I truly believe that I learned many lessons during that time. Lessons I was meant to learn to help others. So if you choose to judge me judge for my courage and strenght. Judge me for my openess acceptance and willingness to help others through my tragedies.
Circumstance (s)….. Is probably a more fitting word than life. The life that
you will live completely depends on your circumstance (s).
Webster's dictionary defines circumstance (s) as*- "*A condition or fact
attending an event and having some bearing on it; a determining or modifying factor -Circumstance -*A condition or fact that determines or must be considered in the determining of a course of action. Circumstance-To place in particular circumstances or conditions; situate.*
Living with depression, mental illness, drug dependency or physical aliments
is not living. Or is it? Life may have a dictionary and scientific
definition but what Is your definition ? Can anyone truly define what a
NORMAL life is? What may be living to you is not living to your neighbors,
your co-workers or your friends. Many people suffer from depressions, chronic pain and addiction. ". Depression, Circumstances beyond your control.
Chronic pain, Circumstances beyond your control. Addiction Circumstances from the depression and chronic pain (this may be a genetic default as well)
For the past 33 years I have questioned my life. Why am I here. What is my
purpose? Why me? What did I do wrong? Why does "GOD" hate me? Why am I
different than everyone else? Every time I thought life was good and I was
going to be alright I was knocked right back down .
Having chronic pain and depression were not choices given to us. They are nothing more than one's circumstances . It is my belief that those circumstances can contribute to one's addiction.
According to AAPA (American Academy of Physician Assistants) the
define addiction as follows:
Addiction is a primary, chronic, neurobiological disease, with genetic,
psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and
manifestations. It is characterized by behaviors that include one or more of
the following: impaired control over drug use, compulsive use, continued use
despite harm, and craving.
Pay close attention to the environmental factors for me that would be the
chronic pain and depression. There is not a right or wrong answer whether or
not your are born an addict. I believe we all have addictive behaviors
however, I believe your circumstances do affect your choice to pick up for
that first time. For example take two thirteen year old girls that are both
born with an addictive traits. Put one in a single family home in the city
with four other siblings and a mother whom is never home. Put the other one
in the suburbs with both parents, a beautiful home, a brother and a sister
and a dog named Sheba. I am not saying that demographics produce addicts.
What I am saying is that the circumstances of the girl in the city will more
than likely draw her to picking up for the first time. The girl in the
suburbs will be more occupied with other activities and have an adult that
is able to steer her away from undesirable situations. You can not choose
your circumstances and you do have choices to make. However your decisions
are going to be based upon what you know which is your circumstances.
After years of suffering and self destructive decisions ( because of my
circumstances) I was led to the point that I felt I could not go on one more
day. People told me that there was no more life in my eyes. I was living yet
I was dead. Drugs, drugs and more drugs numbed me to the point of complete
emptiness. I had nothing to look forward to and memories weren't enough. The
pain and depression outweighed the joy. My prayers turned into to begging
"GOD" just to end it all. I remember the day perfectly I decided enough was
enough I was going to take control of my life and end it all. I was not
going to going to live in pain (physically or mentally) one more day. I
could not see a future and I was tired of being a prisoner in my on home and
body. For the next few days I secretly devised "THE PLAN". I was going to
take some pills sit in the garage turn on the car and go to sleep . There
would be No more pain, no more sadness no more drugs. That's the day the dollhouse broke.
